First off, I've lost my passion for competition and higher learning. I used to love competing for better grades, I used to love working for better marks, and in general I used to love being smart. I loved to strive for intelligence, and I don't know where that went.
Maybe it's just me, but I think it's because I began to learn to control my emotions, so much so that it became hard to tell if I was overtly excited or incredibly irritated. I learned to allow others to step on me, in the sense that I allowed them to be excited, and my being so passive with my own feelings I discouraged them from challenging me.
Second, I learned that it hurt more to be disappointed over a failed expectation, rather than knowing that I would fail something. So I told myself to under expect and assume I would never be good enough, then be pleasantly surprised about a good mark if and when I got one.
The bad thing about that is because I began to drop my grades because I expected I would get lower anyway. I stopped striving. I stopped being smart. I wasted time. Talk about depressing.
I would say that I lost so much steam and so much self-respect after a while, because I had convinced myself that I would not be good enough and would never amount to anything. I have so much time in my life, and yet time felt like it stopped for me. I wasted so much of my youth being disappointed in myself.
Knowing all this now, when I'm older and almost ready to leave high school, I guess I'm scared. My failure to see this earlier and deciding to change will probably cost me the chance for a good university and some scholarships. But, I guess it's better late than never.
I'm going to take charge in my life, and I'm going to stand up for myself. That means I'm not going to care if my mother or my father is disappointed in my grades, but rather, I'm going to strive for better if I'm not satisfied. I will have to be stronger.
But I'll have to be patient as well.
I mean, it's most definitely going to hurt a lot to hear about the disappointment in my grades if my parents are not satisfied with them. But I won't apologize. I did nothing wrong to them, but I did it to myself. This I will have to be self assured about.
Well, here's hoping I can get stronger, one day at a time!
CreepyNerdNextDoor